Easter, birthday and such

Okay, here’s the deal.

Yesterday was Easter. You all know that, right? Well, I spent my Easter the same way I spent my birthday, alone. E. asked if I was going to come out there, but I realize that it cost them money each and every time they come to town to get me, take me out there, bring me back home and then go back out there. I don’t want her to have to spend money just for me to visit for a while, it’s not fair and I don’t want to do it. Sooooo….I stayed here and just hung out.

It wasn’t as though it’s a bad thing, not in and of itself. But, after spending holiday after holiday, day after day, sitting here waiting for….well, who the hell knows what I’m waiting for. I don’t. I don’t know why I worry about it, I don’t know why I care one way or another.

But I do.

I’ve been told all of my life that I’m “tougher than that”, meaning that I can, and usually do, survive everything that is thrown at me, that I can muddle through whatever life, and the people in it, decide to throw at me. And so far I have been able to. It hasn’t been easy, I haven’t enjoyed a lot of it, I wouldn’t want to repeat too awful much of it, but I did manage to get through.

But is getting through enough? What about the debris that is left behind by each situation that needs me to “tough” it out? What about the pain that lingers when someone says or does something that cuts to the bone? What about the tears that have been spilled over certain situations? Tears that sometimes seem unending?

Just because I am still here, just because I can get up in the morning and go about my day, just because I can hid my pain, none of that means that I am okay. (Not that I have any idea what “okay” actually is.)

I am lonely. I get tired of not having someone to do things with. I get tired of not having someone to talk to about the things that hurt me, the things that worry me or upset me. I mean, yeah, I have friends that I bitch to from time to time, good, loyal, true, loving friends. But I don’t burden them with the things that hide from the light deep in my heart. I don’t tell them about the terrors that keep me awake at night, or worse the ones that wake me up in the middle of the night.

I guess I try to protect people. I try to help them get through their own “stuff” even if it simply means that I listen. I realize that everyone has their own personal hell that they suffer through every day. To suffer and worry is the nature of mankind. I don’t want to add to anyone else’s suffering or worry.

I believe we, as human beings, are suppose to help one another. We’re suppose to help ease another person’s suffering, which in turn is suppose to ease ours. We are suppose to be kind to one another, to be concerned about one another, to simply “be there” for one another.

I just don’t know how to allow someone to “be there” for me. I don’t know how to allow someone that close anymore. It’s been years since I’ve allowed anyone to be close enough to me to know when I’m in pain, or when I am worried, sad or just simply angry. I mean I have burst of anger from time to time, and believe me people around me know when I’m that kind of angry. But to say that there is anyone alive today that knows my secret dreams, my secret pains, my secret hopes, desires or wishes……..well, I just can’t do that.

I can’t allow anyone to be that close to me. I can’t trust anyone enough to allow them to know what I keep hidden, the fears that I rarely allow myself to admit to. I have trusted in the past, and I have had the very things that I shared with someone used against me. I have been hurt by trusting another person, by trusting a person that I loved, and I don’t know that I can do it again.I guess I could sit here and anonymously share those things with you folks that read this ranting, raving piece of literature. (Yes, I’m using the word “literature” in it’s loosest form.”) But that would add to your problems, at least in the “aww that sucks” sort of way that we all use when we hear that someone is going through a bad time. And I don’t want to do that.

So, I will continue to “elude” to various and sunder things that are bothering me, always be vague, never admit to the intensity of my worry/pain/sorrow. I guess that is my way of trying to protect others.

I want to thank all of you for reading this rambling post. And for reading all of the other stupid things that I have put up over the years. All of you are my sounding board. My safe place to run to when I am so full of pain/confusion/anger or even when I’m irritated at the simple things in life that all of us are bothered by.

All of you have been my friends, my confidants. Even though none of you know what I’m “eluding” to half the time, you still read and a few of you leave me comments letting me know that, even though I get very lonely at times, I am not alone.

Thank you all.

Dodadaghovi