Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Yes folks, I found a house....or actually it found me!
Last Sept. I really, really wanted this house, but someone else got it first. Now it's for sale again and I'm first in line (now that the other couple backed out) and I'm scared to death that I won't get the loan. I don't know what I'll do if I don't, I'm so nervous that I'm sick.
As soon as I finish my caffeine fix I'm jumping into the shower, getting ready and heading to town. (Yeah, I have to walk, so I am be a little crumpled when I get there, but I can explain that.....hopefully they won't hold it against me....hopefully they will just say, come in, sit down and let's talk!!)
So, y'all keep your fingers crossed, whisper a prayer or two and send me all the good energy and positive thoughts you can spare!
On another note....my poor little socially handicap pup Emmy has finally brightened up some. She ran into the living room and DIDN'T crack her head on anything!! She jumped up on the chair and looked so pleased with herself that it was almost sad. Poor little girl, she knows she's not like the "other dogs" and she knows that they sometimes whisper about her behind her back, but she really is trying. Now I've just got to convince the other dogs that she IS just like them.....even if she's a little slow.
Y'all have a good day!!! Try to stay cool and don't overdue!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
You know, sometimes it’s hard to just get up in the mornings. If I didn’t have my fur-babies, I don’t think I WOULD get up most mornings. I guess that’s the reason I actually have them, so that I feel that I have a purpose in this life.
I know what you’re thinking; Teri is feeling sorry for herself again. But it’s actually more than that; I don’t feel sorry for myself, hell I don’t feel much of anything anymore other than pain. And annoyance. I get annoyed because I hear, from people that supposedly know me that I’m STRONGER than that, whatever the hell “that” is. Or that I’m able to get through whatever it is.
Well folks, new flash for y’all. I’m NOT stronger than “that” and I’m NOT able to get through whatever it is. I’m HUMAN, not superhuman. I HURT! I’m tired and I’m alone and I’m just plain sick of it all.
“Oh, you’re just depressed.” YES, I’m depressed. That doesn’t make me special, who ISN’T depressed these days? We have homelessness, abuse, murders, financial difficulties, wars….WE SHOULD ALL BE DEPRESSED!!
“Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself.” I don’t feel sorry for myself; there are many, many, many other people in worse circumstances than I am in. Pity is the WORSE thing anyone can feel for himself or herself or any one else. Pity is a killer!!
What I feel is PAIN and EMPTYNESS. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of having no reason to get up other than to take care of my animals. I’m tired of being me.
Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Sometimes I just want it all to STOP!
But God has a plan, or so I’m told. There’s a reason that I’m going through all of this, there’s a lesson to be learned, or a virtue to be developed, or at least that’s what the few people I talk to about how I feel say. I wish they could tell me WHAT lesson or virtue. I wish they knew what REASON I am struggling so violently against what should be the golden years of my life.
I wish someone would just hold me and tell me it’s all going to be okay.
I just wish I felt like I mattered. And no, I don’t need any of you to tell me I matter to you, I know there are more than a few of you that care about me and that love me and think of me as your friend or even your best friend, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about being the first thing someone thinks of in the morning and the last thing they think of at night. I’m talking about being loved and desired by another human being, about someone wanting to just BE with me because I’m me, not because I make them laugh, or because I’m a good listener, or because I can help. I’m talking about someone loving me EVEN THOUGH they know everything about me, not because they WANT to know everything about me.
But, that’s not in my life right now. It may never be again. So, I’m going to curl up with my Jack Russell Terror, hold her tight and go to sleep. And in the morning I’ll get up because she needs to go out or she’s hungry or whatever and I’ll meddle through another day and then another night, and another day…..until I can’t do it anymore.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
So, it’s been about a week now, actually a little over. I’m dealing, I guess. I didn’t realize that I had buried so many emotions over the last few years, but the ugly fact of the matter is that I have and now I am paying for it.
I know that most of you don’t want to hear about my inner turmoil, but, as I have said time and time again, this is my blog and I will damn well write what I want! (Yes, there is some “teenage angst” in that statement, and as we all know I am as far from being a teenager as a lizard is from being a mammal, but so what, we are ALL allowed a little angst from time to time.)
The emotions that are waging war inside me have truly screwed up my concentration and my ability to finish the re-writes on my novel. I know that most people say “Use what you feel, don’t let it get you down, use it”, which is actually good advice, but seeing as how I am trying to do rewrites on an already finished story, using what I feel, which is anger, hurt, abandonment, fear and depression, could very well turn a good story into a very long, very well written suicide note. And that is NOT what I want at this point.
So, I continue trying to write, I continue trying to function, I continue trying to be who I WANT to be and not who I have allowed my feeling to make me into. I don’t always succeed, but as of yet I haven’t totally failed, so I guess I’m doing okay.
Now, on another note, my Jack Russell Terror aka Bitty or Two Bit or Belle or CABELLA if she’s really up shit creek, is once again proving that not only does she believe that she is the Queen of All She Sees, but that most of the creatures living within her sight believe it as well, including me, although I will deny this at some point in the future.
Right now Bitty is laying on the couch, her head hanging down so that the fan is blowing directly in her face, sound asleep and farting like a peasant that has survived on beans for two months. (No, I don’t personally know ANY peasants, let alone one that has lived on beans for two months, and I have no idea how much they would fart, but I’m trying to give you a mental pictures here, so just go with it, K?)
She is so loud and so stinky that the other animals have ALL abandoned the couch for places out of direct line of the fan-blown Bitty farts. Thankfully I’m sitting off to one side and don’t have the “pleasure” of being nasally assaulted by said farts, but I can tell from the way the cat reacted a few moments ago that I am VERY lucky. You see, the cat jumped up on the back of the couch, got herself all comfortable and stuff and started to drift off to sleep only to become the latest victim of Bitty’s rancidness. The poor cat actually gagged! And if you’ve ever seen a cat gag you know how totally gross that is!! Anyway, the cat is now on top of the dryer asleep, and although she is a bit warmer, she is safe from the rancidness that is my darling Bitty.
I’m not sure what exactly has caused this horrid odor to emanate from my little darling, although I do have an idea. My buddy Esther bought my babies some treats, pizza flavored treats, and Bitty has been perfuming the air ever since. It’s been a couple of days since Esther gave them the treats, but I, being the good Mommy that I am, also bought them a bag of said treats because all of the fur babies seem to love them. I think if the rest of them ever figure out why Bitty stinks so badly, they may change their minds.
But for now the babies are all resting. Of course they are all as far away from Bitty as they can get, but it doesn’t seem to bother her any. She is sleeping the sleep of the innocent, her nose twitching slightly from time to time as though she can still smell the pizza treats, her ears perking up each and every time she “toots” a particularly loud one. The fan is blowing away the pungent reminders of what happens when you give her a pizza treat, while she is snoring and dreaming of said treats.
Too bad she doesn’t realize she has had the very last pizza treat that Mommy will ever give her. Maybe we’ll just stick with jerky treats or chew bones.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Hey y’all. Sorry it’s been so long since I last updated, but real life reared it’s ugly head and has been spitting and lashing at me with a vengeance.
I know many of you read this blog because I spout off about things that have the tendency of pissing most of us off. But today, today I want to pour out my heart to those of you who read this.
As many of you may know, my Mom passed away in 2000. She had been ill for a long time and she was just too tired and beat down to continue to fight this horrifying thing we call life. She left this world rather gently, she was in ICU and didn’t seem to struggle or fight against the decent of that eternal darkness we call Death. A nurse was with her, as my Dad had just left for work and I was driving up from Grantsville. That nurse later told us that my Mom had turned to her and said, “Do you see them? Do you see the Angels?” Then she took one last breath and was gone.
Why am I bringing this up, you ask. Well, this week some one else that I love went Home with the Angels. Jacqueline Daisy Gumm, the mother of a man that I lived with for years, passed away on Tuesday, July 5. She was 79 years old.
I met Jackie not long after my own Mother had passed away. And, although she may never have realized it, she took a place in my heart right next to my own Mom. She and I didn’t always get along, sometimes we didn’t speak, but that is the way it had been with my own Mother as well.
Jackie made the most delicious cinnamon rolls. She could bake anything and it would turn out wonderfully. Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter dinners at her house should have been listed as one of the Wonders of the World. The food was always graciously prepared and the atmosphere was warm and loving.
I would sit with Jackie on the back porch and talk of things both trivial and of the utmost importance. She could make me laugh with stories about her children, her childhood and her own Mother. Jackie had seen and experienced things that most of us only read about in books or experience through movies. She was and always will be one of the most interesting people I have ever met.
She raised 5 children that all grew to be wonderful human beings. John is the oldest and the only boy, so growing up with 4 sisters was something that he had to endure, although I know he loves each and every one of them. She was a wonderful mother and doted on her children and grandchildren. I know that each of them are suffering a pain that no one can understand unless that person has lost their own Mother.
Now, you may be wondering why I’m writing all of this. Why is the death of someone who was no longer in my life to the extent that they had once been is so important. It’s simple actually. I love her. She stepped in and took the place of a woman, my own Mother, whom I had never really gotten the chance to know.
Jackie eased some of the pain of losing my own Mom.
There is no way that what I’m experiencing can compare with the pain and suffering her own family is experiencing. I in no way believe that my hurt can ever compare to theirs.
But with the passing of this wonderful lady, many things that I had thought were dealt with have resurfaced. The guilt at not having a better relationship with my own Mother is eating at me with the vicious intensity of a ravenous dog. The pain of never understanding the reasons behind so many of the things that had taken place in my childhood is causing me to imagine the worse possible scenarios, and has always caused me to have a poor self-image. The steel hardened truth of never hearing my Mother’s voice again is turning my heart into tiny pieces of confetti that with every breath scatters and blows farther away.
I am trying to process my own pain, my own confusion and my own regrets. I’m not doing such a good job, but I will get through it. Someday.
In the meantime, I sit here and picture my Mom talking and laughing with her own parents, with her beloved brother that was taken from us too soon and with my own Grandson who was snatched from life before he ever had the chance to experience it. In my mind, they are all sitting under a blooming crabapple tree on a blanket made by the Hand of God, talking, laughing and basking in the love of one another and the Everlasting Love Of God.
And sitting hand in hand just a little ways away is Jackie and her wonderful husband, Mutt. They are talking and laughing and are so happy to be together again. They, too, are basking in love and the Glorious Peace of God.
In my mind, I see all the loved ones that I miss so terrible much. Each of them are healthy and whole. Christian is playing with his toys, something he never grew to be old enough to do here on Earth. Taco is playing music, his addictions and pain forever gone. Dave is sitting under a tree, strumming a mandolin, his limbs once again strong and sure, his pain gone forever. Crettie is laughing and telling jokes, her eyes bright and her breathing easy, her smile gloriously beautiful. And my old buddy Johnny, well, Johnny is just relaxing, the pain and trouble of life here on Earth a long forgotten memory.
I think of all of those whom I love that have gone on before me and I am envious.