You know, sometimes it’s hard to just get up in the mornings. If I didn’t have my fur-babies, I don’t think I WOULD get up most mornings. I guess that’s the reason I actually have them, so that I feel that I have a purpose in this life.
I know what you’re thinking; Teri is feeling sorry for herself again. But it’s actually more than that; I don’t feel sorry for myself, hell I don’t feel much of anything anymore other than pain. And annoyance. I get annoyed because I hear, from people that supposedly know me that I’m STRONGER than that, whatever the hell “that” is. Or that I’m able to get through whatever it is.
Well folks, new flash for y’all. I’m NOT stronger than “that” and I’m NOT able to get through whatever it is. I’m HUMAN, not superhuman. I HURT! I’m tired and I’m alone and I’m just plain sick of it all.
“Oh, you’re just depressed.” YES, I’m depressed. That doesn’t make me special, who ISN’T depressed these days? We have homelessness, abuse, murders, financial difficulties, wars….WE SHOULD ALL BE DEPRESSED!!
“Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself.” I don’t feel sorry for myself; there are many, many, many other people in worse circumstances than I am in. Pity is the WORSE thing anyone can feel for himself or herself or any one else. Pity is a killer!!
What I feel is PAIN and EMPTYNESS. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of having no reason to get up other than to take care of my animals. I’m tired of being me.
Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Sometimes I just want it all to STOP!
But God has a plan, or so I’m told. There’s a reason that I’m going through all of this, there’s a lesson to be learned, or a virtue to be developed, or at least that’s what the few people I talk to about how I feel say. I wish they could tell me WHAT lesson or virtue. I wish they knew what REASON I am struggling so violently against what should be the golden years of my life.
I wish someone would just hold me and tell me it’s all going to be okay.
I just wish I felt like I mattered. And no, I don’t need any of you to tell me I matter to you, I know there are more than a few of you that care about me and that love me and think of me as your friend or even your best friend, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about being the first thing someone thinks of in the morning and the last thing they think of at night. I’m talking about being loved and desired by another human being, about someone wanting to just BE with me because I’m me, not because I make them laugh, or because I’m a good listener, or because I can help. I’m talking about someone loving me EVEN THOUGH they know everything about me, not because they WANT to know everything about me.
But, that’s not in my life right now. It may never be again. So, I’m going to curl up with my Jack Russell Terror, hold her tight and go to sleep. And in the morning I’ll get up because she needs to go out or she’s hungry or whatever and I’ll meddle through another day and then another night, and another day…..until I can’t do it anymore.