Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Patiently waiting

Depression is the monster that hides under the be or in the closet.  No one else can see it, but you know that it is there - waiting for an unguarded moment to jump out and devour you.

It waits for that one precise moment, like when you've lost your job because the care died and you couldn't find the money to get it fix and now your stressed out and worried about how you're going to make the rent.  That moment when you start to feel like a worthless failure is when Depression will reach out and grab you, sinking its' claws as deeply as it can

Or maybe it will be when a relationship has gone bad and now  you feel frightened and alone even though you laugh about finally "being free".  Depression will sneak in like a cat sneaking up on the poor oblivious mouse and it will sink its' ragged teeth deep into your soul.

You'll do things you would never have believed you would do.  You'll fill your bed with strangers just so you feel wanted...loved....needed.  But it's a lie, you know you are degrading yourself and you are ashamed.

And Depression sinks those poisonous fangs a little deeper.

You'll stay in bed and not want to get up.  What's to get up for anyway?  You have no job, no car, no one that cares.  Right?

No, that isn't right, but the poison Depression has infected you with causes you to believe that there is NOTHING worth getting up for.

Maybe  you'l go to the bars and drink, have a "good" time.  Hook up with that ex-boyfriend because he "still feels something" for you and you are so desperate to FEEL anything that you believe him.

And those horrible poisonous claws of Depression dig just a little deeper into your soul.  Its' poison slowly blotting out everything but the pain.

If you've never suffered from severe depression, you probably have no idea what I am talking about, you probably think I'm just being dramatic.  I'm not.  If you've never suffered from severe depression you probably think it's easy to "shake it off" and go on  because everyone has disappointments in life, every one has things go wrong, it's just a fact of life.  Yes, everyone does have disappointments in life and things go wrong for us all, but for someone that suffers from depression it's not a matter of "shaking it off", it's a matter of brain chemistry.

Severe depression, clinical depression, is an ILLNESS.  It is NOT something to be ignored or belittled.  People who have been there, people that are STILL there know they can't just "get over it", they know the cruel things people think and say.  They know the stigma of the words "mental health issues".  The general public WILL NOT let them forget.

So while dealing with emotions you cannot control, with brain chemistry that is out of balance, with meds that make you tired and/or makes food taste like cardboard, meds that make you sleep or else shoot you into mania, while dealing with all of that you have to deal with people who do not understand and won't be bothered to educate themselves.

And the monster under the bed grows stronger.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Good ole' Calhoun

You always hear about small town life and the way small town people take care of one another.

You hear about the friendliness and hospitality of Southern People.

You hear a lot about a thing called Christian Charity and Values.

This part of West Virginia considers itself the South.

It is NOT!

Grantsville considers itself a “friendly little town” and a “Christian Community with Christian Values”.

It is NOT!The past two months have driven home the fact that I am, in the words of a great writer, an “alien in an alien land.”

It has also taught me the true meaning of hypocrisy.

With the exception of a brief period of about 10 days, I have been living in my VW Beetle with my two dogs, Bitty, an 8 year old Jack Russell Terrier and Reedus, a four month old Chihuahua.  I am considered "disabled” (cancer) and on a limited (very) income.  I make $23 too much to get any assistance, with the exception of a whooping ten dollars in food stamps (which, btw,  you have to disclose your entire life, up to and including the last time you took a piss (they want it!!) in order to receive them) and not enough to actually live on.  Like a fool, I thought the ten day stint was going to be a several month respite, but I was lied to from the beginning and then asked to “reciprocate” for being there AFTER my fur babies lives were threatened.  NOT!!  Anyway, I had bought food for that place, thinking I was going to be there, as well as toilet paper and such.

So money is non existent, but the pups have food and water and I am losing the weight that I have been bitching about! (Yeah, there IS an up side to almost everything life throws at you!)

I did recently spend the night in a tent!!  It was good to stretch out for a change, as the doodle bug doesn’t have much “stretch” room even if you are only five foot two inches tall. (doesn’t have much other room either, but we are making do)  Anyway, I got a few hours stretched out on the ground with blankets for padding.

Then it began to rain, which is not unusual this year (Since the beginning of June we have yet to have a four day stretch WITHOUT rain, it’s like living in Southeast Asia, rain, heat, humidity……fun, fun).  It wouldn’t have been bad then either, except……..the tent began to leak…..and leak…..and, well no need to go on I suppose.  Anyway, we got wet and so did our belongings.

Good times!!


So, back to the doodle bug it was, and still is.

Now, in case any of you are wondering what any of this has to do with my introduction, please give me a moment to explain.

As I said, Grantsville is a little town.  It is the county seat of a sparsely populated county in the North Central part of the state.  There are some nice folks here.  Unfortunately there are more assholes, idiots, backstabbers, trouble makers and self centered hypocrites than any where I have EVER been.  I have lived in small towns and big cities as well as out in the country in several states besides this one and NO WHERE have I had the misfortune of encountering such a LARGE number of the above mentioned scum in any one area!

Many people around here bitch and complain about the “druggies” that make poison in campers, houses, trailers and apartments across the county, then these self same people help the “druggies” get food stamps, medical coverage, stipends and on the rare occasions that they need money for their supplies, jobs. (Yes, I guess if you’re making meth you sometimes need reliable income other than your personal sales)  Those complainers will buy stolen property from the druggies, they will let them live in decent properties at an unbelievably cheap price (properties which ultimately get condemned by the Drug Task force), they will watch their “poor little babies” while the druggies PARTY and will, on numerous occasions, post bond when the idiots get busted for manufacturing!!

Hypocrisy in action!!!

But if you are a fifty-five year old single woman who raised FOUR very good, very successful kids, they will talk about you, make up stories about you and flat out do whatever is necessary to make your life harder than it should be.

Oh, they will offer to rent you a run down trailer in need of floors and windows throughout for $325 a month plus an equal deposit, then turn around and rent it to a meth-head for HALF that!!


The majority of the supposed GOOD, UPSTANDING, CHRISTIAN (and I use that word in the loosest of forms) people of this community care about one thing and one thing only – THEMSELVES.  What they have, what they can get, what people sees, that is ALL that is important!

The “GOOD WORKS” they do are always things other people can see and comment “OH, HOW CHARITABLE of you” or “WHAT AN GOOD THING YOU’RE DOING”.  In other words, if it is NOT a public display of some form it is NOT DONE!  Making a public donation to this or that (usually some charity that has never benefitted people around here) so people can see how generous they are instead of renting out a house to someone who desperately needs it.  They would rather the house fall down than for someone to get use from it.

And their “VALUES’ – the things that are valued are MONEY and what it an buy THEM so other people will look at them and think about how “well” they are doing (even if they are in debt up to their eyeballs), the RESPECT they think they get for being so “charitable” or community minded, never mind the fact that the little things, the day to day kindness that is so important is TOTALLY ABSCENT from their lives!!
IT IS ALL FOR SHOW!!  To make people ‘look up’ to them.

Southern Hospitality?  Which, btw, is a real thing in SOUTHERN areas, but not here.  Anyway, their idea of Southern Hospitality is to smile and wave and then talk about you behind your back like you are the original Harlot of Babylon.  To your face they are all friendly and kind and as soon as your head is turned they are doing their best to make sure you are just as miserable as they are.

See, that is the heart of the problem here.  MISERY, pure and simple.  So many “haves” hate the “have not's (only they would deny it to their last breath) because the HAVE NOTS have found something that has eluded the HAVES for generations,   They have found a peace and calm that can only be discovered when a person looks deep within themselves.

The ONLY people who have truly attempted to help me (here) have been THOSE WHO HAVE NO MEANS TO HELP!!  The ones that are struggling to keep a roof over their own heads and often wonder where their next meal is coming from, those people have repeatedly offered to share what little they have.  The ones driving the new or almost new cars with one, two or three more sitting at home, the ones who have to have all the newest toys with all the bells and whistles, the ones that waste money like it falls from the sky?  Well they are the ones that treat me like shit.  They act as thought I am LESS than them in some basic way.

What the majority of these assholes don’t know is (and yes I am tooting my own horn for a second) that I have ALWAYS been the person that would share my meal with someone who has none.  I WAS RAISED THAT WAY!!  If I have a sandwich and you have none, I will gladly give you half of my sandwich.  If I have $10 dollars and a person is hungry or thirsty, I have no problem buying them a burger or a coke or a coffee or whatever.  I was raised that we do WHATEVER WE CAN to help one another.  That’s why I do the Christmas Card Project and try to help people when they need money for bills or whatever.  THAT IS WHAT WE ARE SUPPOSE TO DO!!

I don’t regret helping anyone I have ever helped, although I do sometimes wish (particularly here lately) that I had half of what I have given.  I usually get over that quickly.

I have a car that keeps the wind and rain off of me, yes it is not a comfortable place to sleep, yes it gets so hot you can’t breathe sometimes, yes I am damned tired of it – BUT IT IS BETTER THAN SOME PEOPLE HAVE IT!  And I am so very thankful for that.

Do I ever say I’m done being good to people?  Yes, at least fifty times a day, but I still do it, even though these days it puts me in a bind.

BECAUSE THAT IS WHO I AM!  Love it or hate it, that is just me.

Do I ever say  “I do this stuff for people and what good does it do?  What is the point?”  YES, on a daily basis lately.

But I know people have helped me, and I am so very thankful for that!

Complete strangers collected over $200 and sent it to me this past month.  It kept me fed, kept food and water for the pups and put gas in the car for a while.  But it is expensive to live in a car – no way to keep things cold unless you buy ice – and on these 96 degree days you have to buy several bags a day.  $1.62 x 2 = $3.24 a day for ice, times that by 30 days and it’s $97.20 for ice!  That is more than a lot of electric bills ( if you don’t have AC).

Water is $1.00 a gallon (and we go through more than a gallon a day), times that by thirty and you have $30 for water. 

Oh yeah, I forgot, I live in a state where EVERYTHING is taxed, so there is 6% tax on everything I buy!
Pup food is .78 a can times 3 cans a day (more if I’m not eating and share my food with them) and you have $2.34 plus tax a day!

It is expensive.  I have no where to put any amount of food/water, I only have a small cooler.  I have no access to free drinking water.  And we haven’t even talked about my one meal a day or the cost of the storage for my belongings.

EXPENSIVE!!  YUP as much as rent almost!

I did find a place that is $450 a month with no utilities (doesn’t include a phone).  I would have to keep a phone (emergencies, my dad, etc.) and it would cost me $45 (plus tax) a month, so let’s say $48 a month.  That would make housing cost $498 a month.  Insurance on my car is $65, so now the total is $563, toilet paper, dog food, soap – at least another $120, so that is now $683, that leaves a grand total of $60 a month for food for me and gas for the car.  I don’t see that happening, do you?

Go somewhere else, right?

Good idea – BUT- my car needs front tires, about $120 USED if I’m lucky, an oxygen sensor, $78, a fuel filter, which is under the back seat so the labor sucks, it will run between $90 and $130 depending on the time needed, a throttle control sensor @ $186 just to be ABLE to leave here.  That’s $496 dollars JUST TO BE ABLE TO DRIVE AWAY, never mind finding a way to haul my meager belongings.
So I guess I’ll make do with what I have and be thankful for it!

I feel better for getting some of this off my chest.  It still doesn’t make the situation better, but I do feel better despite that.

And I will continue to do what I an for those who need it.

I guess I’ll never learn, will I?

Friday, June 26, 2015

AMERICA, a country that has lost its mind.....

You know, there is a lot of shit going on in my life right now, yet here I sit, quietly plugging along and knowing it will get better.  I am not bitching and whining (much) to anyone that will listen, or demanding "reparations" for damages done to me by anyone else (although I do wish some people would suffer from a permanent case of STFU), nor things that were done to my ancestors. 

What happened in Charleston was beyond horrible, nine innocent lives were lost and even more lives were changed in ways from which they will never recover.  It is a tragedy that I will never belittle.  I feel for those who knew and loved these people, they will suffer a pain that few of us know forever.

BUT, people like Al Sharpton (NO I will never refer to him as a reverend or a preacher or even a civil liberties leader, I am old enough to remember WHO and WHAT he was, what he helped to accomplish and how he allowed himself and his morals to be perverted into the hate mongering racist he is today) and a host of other leftist idiots have turned this tragedy into yet another media circus.  They are exploiting the unimaginable pain of these families in order to push yet another point of their ignorant, hate based agenda.

YES, slavery happened.  YES, the South left the Union because, in part, of slavery.  BUT, there was issues besides slavery that led to the division of the Union, as anyone who has EVER studied history realizes.  TOTAL CONTROL of everything was one, and although some people meant the Government abolishing slavery, it was more than that.

Slavery was NOT simply white men owning black men, women and children.  It was so very, very much more.  It was black men selling their enemies and rivals to white men across the sea. It was white men, and women, taking advantage of other human beings in order to make their lives easier.  It was the total lack of regard for human life!

BUT, it wasn’t something new!  Slavery had been around since Biblical times, it was always a presence in those times.

The large majority of people in the South DID NOT OWN SLAVES.  Most of us were poor, we didn’t own thousands upon thousands of acres of land that we farmed, most of us lived on what we could trap, shoot or grow.  We weren’t all hate filled, whip wielding “Masters” of the plantation.

That time in our Nation was a horrible, evil time.  While the slaves were laboring in the fields, there were thousands upon thousands of Native peoples who were having their homes destroyed, being shot, burned or beaten to death and were fighting back the invasion of the White man.

The Natives of this country had assisted the whites in becoming established, and in return entire races were wiped out.  Prior to the Civil War, many of the tribes had been forced to leave the areas that became the South, just as they had in the areas that became the North.
By 1861, more Native peoples had been killed or forced to leave the Eastern part of this country than the combined number of Slaves in the South at ANY time!!

The horror that was slavery was equaled and, some say, surpassed by the disease ridden blankets given to women, children and elderly Natives, by the rape and murder of women and children, by the horror of witnessing some white skinned man grabbing your child by the leg, swinging with all of his might and smashing his brains out against a tree.

Beatings?  Yes, Red peoples were still being beaten to death by whites AND blacks alike.  Rapes?  Yup, that too.  Hangings?  On a regular basis!  Brutality of unimaginable levels?  Yes, each and every day from the early 1500’s.  Brutality on the white part AND the red part.
Slavery?  No, no red slaves, but there were indentured servants, which is almost the same thing.  There were white men, women and children that were owned, hell there were white SLAVES that were owned, the law said ONE DROP of black blood made you a “negro” and you could (and would) be owned.  But the Irish, the German, the Welsh, the Polish, the Italian, etc that indentured themselves (and families) to come to this country were essentially slaves as well.  They had to toil in the fields, the factories and the whorehouses of this countries, as well as in many, many other ways, and they had NO SAY OVER WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM!

Natives peoples had slaves as well, white ones, black ones and red ones.  They saw no color to slavery, only circumstances.  Slavery was here before the whites arrived.  And when the whites arrived with their slaves, it seemed normal to those who were already here.

The “flag of Virginia” aka the Rebel Flag is a simple piece of material that has NO bearing on what was done recently.  Hell, the first Confederate flag was NOT the one everyone is bitching about, it was a flag called the Stars and Bars (look it up) and was very similar to Old Glory.  But none the less, it is a piece of material that holds no special powers.

The hatred that prompted recent events is simply that hatred.  It isn’t some spell cast by a symbol of slavery, or a special power held by a flag.  It is a broken person (of which there are many of ALL colors) perverting something to suit his needs.

And the deal with Thomas Jefferson?  WTF?  Has this country lost its collective mind?  He was, regardless of his slave holdings, an important, powerful man in the history of this country.  Without him and his influence this nation may never have been formed.  Hell, the first five of our Presidents were slave owners when they held office!!  Twelve presidents of this country were slave owners! 

Should we get rid of the statues and portraits of them all?  Should we stop teaching the history of this country because we had 12 slave owning presidents?  Oh wait, we HAVE stopped teaching History, and that is part of the problem.  Thank you Liberals!

Let’s take a step farther onto this road of PC idiocy.     

Andrew Jackson was basically a serial killer by proxy.  He ordered the troops to systematically kill all Native women and children after massacres in order to complete the extermination of the Red man.  He was a genocidal maniac who not only was responsible for uncountable deaths but also participated in an estimated 100 duels.  Are the liberals demanding he be removed from history because of his crimes?  NO, but when you throw in the fact that he was a wealthy slave owner he suddenly becomes high on the list to abolish from our history.  He becomes a racist.

Why isn’t anyone in history thought of as racist for their views and treatments of Native Peoples?  Or their treatment of Irish, or German, or Chinese?  When did racist become a simple black/white issue?

And WHY are we turning each and every horrible event into a racist issue?  Why do we not hear stories on the National News channels of blacks killing whites, or Mexicans killing blacks, or Chinese killing whites?  When did race become an issue ONLY if there is death of someone who is considered black?

I don’t identify when being white, I never have. I don’t identify with black, I never have.  I don’t even identify with Native, because I am all of those things.  I am a mixture of colors and cultures, of red, black, and white.  Of Native and slave, of Irish and German.  I don’t see hatred in colors, I don’t see separation, I see people.  I see evil, I see stupidity, I see ignorance in people, not color.

I am a product of the 1960’s, I have seen the treatment of black folks by white folks, of Natives by black and white, of Vietnam vets by everyone.  I have witnessed hatred in many shapes and sizes, but never seen it as a color.

We, this country, have descended into an abyss of stupidity pushed by people of ALL colors.  We have stopped feeling compassion for our own, and by our own I don’t mean our own color, I mean our own citizens.  We take tragedies and make them the new battle cry for this issue or that one, we exploit the pain and suffering of families by flashing it across the television and internet like the latest new music video.  We have become less than human.
The people in South Carolina are suffering a PRIVATE pain.  Now they must sit for hours upon hours while tens of thousands of STRANGERS parade into the funerals of their loved ones, not out of compassion, not out of empathy, but for the MEDIA GLORY of being there.  Those strangers never even knew the victims existed!  They didn’t know them, or their families, or their beliefs, AND THEY DIDN”T CARE UNTIL THOSE POOR PEOPLE WERE SLAUGHTERED!!

What the hell is wrong with this country?  HOW have we become so divided and filled with hatred toward one another?  WHY are we NOT moving toward unity, but are moving farther and farther from it each and every day?  Why has racism become the hot word of the day?
What about the children that suffer from hunger EVERY DAY right here in this country?  Does it matter what color their skin is when their bellies growl and cramp because they have no food?  What about the men that served this country in all of the wars we inserted ourselves into?  Does it matter if their skin is red or white or black or yellow when they lay cold and hungry on the sidewalks of our cities?  Does it matter what color someone’s skin is when they are dying from cancer or HIV or any other of a dozen of death sentences?  Does it matter to YOU?  Would YOU only help a child that is white?  Or black?  Or would you help ANY child?

Racism is NOT the problem!  The problem is the media and the few power hungry idiots that insist on getting their faces on the evening news, not because they owe hundreds of thousands of dollars in taxes, but because they are spouting hatred for others.

Wake up!!  This media circus that happens each and every time something horrible happens is what PROMPTS more sociopaths to do these terrible things.  Kill a bunch of people of a different color and go down in history!  Yay!  WTF?

Okay, I’m done.  I will say no more on the subject, except to say that my heart goes out to the families and friends of those people slaughtered.  RIP.

Thursday, July 26, 2012


So, when we hear people talk about addictions we automatically think of drugs or alcohol, or is some cases people addicted to the internet, sex or food.  What we don't think about is people who, like myself, have become addicted to exercise/health things.

I admit that I have a new addiction.  It hasn't become a problem as of yet, but that is simply because I haven't invested the money to actually have the item of my addiction.

You see, it's like this.  I realize that I'm 52 years old, I know I shouldn't have all of the body issue problems that I have, but what can you do, right?  Anyway, there is this infomercial on television that I am addicted to watching.  That's strange in and of it's self, but the infomercial is for the Insanity Workout!!  Yeah, that's right, a 60 day workout that will either kill you or else get you into the best shape you've ever been in your life.  I'm hoping for the later result, but let's be realistic, okay.

Like I said, I'm 52 years old.  That's not exactly a spring chicken, but I'm not entirely over the hill yet either (although I do believe I'm on the down side of it).  For me to be seriously thinking about ordering these dvds and actually attempting to do a workout that thousands of people years younger than I am could not do speaks volumes about my sanity!  (Okay E.  stop laughing now)

I'm not at all sure that I can do this stupid workout, it looks like some type of medieval torture retinue, but, if the result are actually as amazing as they seem to be  I'm willing to give it a try.  (Not to mention that there is a money back guarantee if you find you can't do it.)  So, I'm going to order INSANITY WORKOUT and give it a shot.  It should be here in about a week or so, I'll let  you know when I get it and how things go.  (Y'all can encourage me, at least it would be nice if you did!  LOL)


Tuesday, July 17, 2012


Well, it's the 17th of July and I've had electricity for almost three days in a row!!! Yay me!!

For those of you that don't know, West Virginia was hit with a massive wind/thunder storm on the evening of June 29th. That storm left over 680,000 homes/businesses without power. Now that in an of itself is bad enough, but some of us were left powerless (in many ways) for over two weeks!!  For those of you that DON'T realize, living in the hills of West Virginia, in the country, no power means NO WATER, yes folks, you need power to run a water pump!!  Surprise, surprise!!

To make things even worse, there was NO ICE in a four county area!!!  Yeah, you need power to keep ice from melting, who knew?  And the gasoline supply DISAPPEARED the day after the storm....people with generators NEEDED the gas, and there were a bunch of idiots that were just wanting to "top off the tank" just in case the power didn't come on!!  WTF?

I didn't have power for 13 days, then they fixed the lines and I had power for about 34 hours and it was off again. The second time was only for around 16 hours, but after the ordeal I and many others had survived, that 16 hours was a horrid reminder of what it was like to survive the Summer of Darkness!!

As I sit here now, listening to the thunder booming in the distance, I am left with the nagging dread that our Summer of Darkness is not over. We are suppose to have thunderstorms for the next 3 - 4 days and that means lightening and probably strong winds. Since our wonderful power company, Mon Power, refuses to cut right of ways, it probably means that we will have to endure at least a few more days sitting and sweating in the sweltering heat. I hope I'm wrong, but I wouldn't bet that I am!!

I try to find humor in every situation, but this situation has stripped most of my humor from me. But I'll try to come up with something to make you at least giggle.



2. Drink water


4. Pour water over your head

5. Curse and scream at the power company


7. Drink water

8. Make a food run

9. Cry and scream when forced out of air conditioned car once you reach the store

10. Fight for the last loaf of bread and three slices of lunch meat

11. Stand in line for an hour

12. Fry butt cheeks sitting on car seat after waiting in line for an hour


14. Curse at the car AC for not being cold enough

15. Have to be forcibly removed from car once you’ve returned home

16. Eat lukewarm sandwich

17. Drink Water

18. Curse some more


20. Make pallet on porch so you can sleep in the “cooler” air

21. Lie awake worrying about local bear/possum/raccoon/coyotes


23. Give up sleeping because you almost piss yourself at every rustle of leaves

24. SWEAT and prepare to repeat!

On those few days when it does rain you should do the following:


2. Pray the rains lasts till it’s dark so you can strip down naked and take a “nature shower” on
your porch

3. Sit in doorway and watch rain


5. Pray the rain cools it down

6. Give up and try to sleep in your 100 degree bedroom

So now to give you the giggle......... My friend Esther gave me a one use grill, you know the kind, they are made of foil and have charcoal that has been just light it and let it burn down, then twenty minutes later you have a nice bed of coals to cook on. Anyway, Esther gave me this grill and I had some hot dogs and some canned I lit the grill, let it burn down, opened the chili and put it on the grill to get warm. Then it began to thunder......and thunder.....and thunder.....and RAIN.

Now for those of you that DON'T realize, charcoal doesn't burn that well in the rain!! So, I, being the crafty little bitch that I am, grabbed my HUGE umbrella, ran out to the yard, opened the umbrella and sat it on the ground with a rock keeping the handle in place, and then I proceeded to cook my chili, grill my hot dogs and eat supper, sitting half under an umbrella in the pouring rain!! Necessity really IS the Mother of invention!!

We were FINALLY able to get ice about a week after the lights went out. That made it possible to actually KEEP some lunch meat and stuff cold!! Let me tell you, lunch meat that has sat in the cooler for two hours smells SO much better than ANY type of meat that has been in the heat (well over 100 for five days in a row) for ANY length of time!!!


1. Smells much like your oldest sons tennis shoes after a long, hot game of basketball

2. Cats try to hork up a furball instead of tasting

3. Dogs gag at the scent

Now I NEVER had any of the above happen during this entire ordeal, but then again, I didn't buy more than a few pieces of lunch meat at a was one of those One Meal At A Time Purchase things for me! It was expensive, but I didn't have to listen to the cats horking!!

On the serious side, I want to personally thank the Emergency responders here in Calhoun County, as well as the Head of the Emergency Management Team, Kathy Wood. I would also like to say thank you to the men and woman of the National Guard who delivered water and MRE's to people in the outlaying area. Without all of those wonderful people, who gave of their time and energy and worked tirelessly to make sure the citizens of this county were safe, many people would have lost their lives! Days of 100 plus temps, no water or food would have killed more than a few of us!!

Thank you all and God Bless you!!


Thursday, April 12, 2012


Well, yesterday at 12 noon it was all of 39 degrees, today at 12:28 it's 60!!

That's not too unusual, unless of course  you consider the fact that we've had 80 degree weather already this year!!  Yes, 80 degrees in March, 39 degrees in April!!  We  have flowers that have bloomed, trees that have budded, berries that were already starting to bud out.....and last night it was all of 28 degrees!!!
It's already flooded twice this Spring, and now there is no rain in sight!

Hot/cold, wet/dry....hmmmmm, I do believe I understand what Mother Nature is going through!!

You see, I'm a middle aged woman and I understand the changes that take place in an older woman's life!  Mother Nature is going through MENOPAUSE!!

Yup, that explains it all.  The heat fluctuations, the wild swings in moisture, the  wondering what will happen next.  Yup, it's definitely Menopause!!

I actually feel sorry for the old girl.  I can totally relate to feeling as though you've been doused in hot pepper oil and then dropped in lava.  The feeling of your insides heating up, not burning like indigestion, but actually heating up, and that feeling spreading from the core of your body to your legs, your arms, you feet, your hands, you fingers, your toes.  Then, for no known reason, your skin feels as though it's been dipped in ice water, your skin moves of it's own accord, leaving a dense trail of  chill bumps that cause your nipples to tighten and your hair to move around like demented snakes!

No wonder we've been having thunderstorms, tornadoes and high winds.  I know it pisses me off when I have all of the above symptoms.  But of course I couldn't cause twisting winds to tear a 20 mile trail of destruction, but still, I can understand!  At different times in my life I have actually felt as though I could cause a 20 mile trail of destruction! (We are ALL lucky that I can't!!!)

Anyway, it seems that Mother Nature is having a mid life crisis of some type and we, the poor creatures that walk this earth, are paying for it!  Maybe she'll calm down soon......or maybe we should put in a call to Father Time and let him deal with it!!

Until next time, stay safe and be sure to let your loved ones know you love them.


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Red, red, red.....

So, today is April 10 and there are 9 more days until my birthday!!!!  Yay me!!  NOT!

Anyway, today I'm going to give blood.  Not only is it a good thing to do, but maybe the Red Cross will quit calling every day!  For some reason they seem to think I should just install a tap and let them drain it at will.  I get  at least three calls a week from the Red Cross.  They've even called me the day after I gave a pint!!  WTH???  I'm beginning to think that I've created a monster!!

You see, I have "good blood" (don't ask me, I'm just quoting the lady at the RC)  and they WANT it!!!  YES, they are addicted to my "good blood".  Of course, the fact that they can get a pint from me in under 7 minutes doesn't hurt any.  NO, it's not that my blood is thin, it's that my veins are "good"  (once again, don't ask, I have no idea).

After getting three calls in one week from the blood suckers at the RC, I began to wonder if perhaps there was some blood hungry monster somewhere who could only be satisfied by MY blood!!  Perhaps it's all the spicy/sweet foods that I eat!  Maybe he/she has a sweet tooth (fang?) and craves this good old red blooded southern sugar addicts blood!!  Or maybe he/she is a Oriental blood sucker and, because I eat soooooo much Oriental food (the real stuff, not just the Americanized junk you get at China Gate) I remind him/her of the good old times in the Qin Dynasty!

Maybe I should eat more garlic??

Or maybe they are using my good old American blood, with it's liberal mix of Native American, Black, Irish and German, to create some Super Race of smart asses!!  Just imagine it, the world over run with wise cracking smart asses with huge vocabularies!!!  What a world that would be!!  You would have to watch every word you say lest you leave a huge opening for some sarcastic insult to be flung your way!!  Oh the horror, the horror!!!

Even worse than that, they could be using my blood to make some type of night dwelling hybrid that survives solely on dark chocolate, peanut butter, spicy food, sweet tea, classic rock and nicotine!!!  These dark entities would creep around your house searching for cigarettes and vinyl!!

Okay, enough of that!

Giving blood is a very important thing to do!  You could save a life!  You could save MY life (Stop laughing!  You know you'd miss me if I were gone!!)  Thousands of people need blood every day!  It's the only truly renewable resource we have!!! No matter how many times we give blood, these amazing bodies of ours will make more!

So, if you have a few minutes, you are a healthy person NOT on multiple medications and you are feeling charitable, contact your local Red Cross and donate!!

Until next time!


Friday, March 16, 2012

Spring has sprung.....

Spring peepers are singing, flowers are starting to bloom and the robins are hopping around the yard like insane little worm robbers.  Those are just a few of the signs of Spring.....the BETTER signs of Spring......I, unfortunately, am the unwilling possessor of one of the WORSE signs of Spring.........a sinus infection!!

Yes folks, I have a raging Sinus Infection, complete with the congestion AND running nose, the blinding headache and the disgusting YUCK draining down my throat every time I try to sleep!!!  And, as if that isn't enough, I'm now sneezing because the trees are now budding out!!

Have you EVER woke up in the middle of the night, throat clogged with, well let's just use YUCK, head booming like a bass drum, nose running like a Sugar Tree, eyes aching and then begin to SNEEZE???  It's NOT a pretty sight......last night I sat up, hair poofed out around my head like an explosion of blond hair, eyes red and watery, making that noise we all make when we try to clear our throat and then a sneeze erupted from me with a sound something akin to an insane coyote in heat!  My poor little Jack Russell Terror shot up from the chair, looked around wildly and began to bark, then whine, then bark.  My "I should have been a Lion" Grey Kitten shot straight into the air like she had been shot from a cannon in a Circus and my Socially Handicapped Emmy started crying and whining like she does when Wacker, the large yellow Tom Cat From Hell, swats her.

Of course this tragic comedy that was taking place in my living room caused me to start to laugh, well, make a sound that passes for laughing when you wake up at 3 a.m. with a splitting headache, clogged pipes, watery eyes and a nose twitching from a pollen attack.  My croak of laughter only served to piss off the varied and sunder animal life in my house.  The Jack Russell Terror turned her back to me and actually growled (something she doesn't do very often), the Would Be Lion proceeded to run through the house as though she had a crawdad attached to her tail, the Socially Handicapped Pup started barking like an idiot and the Wacker Cat started to sharpen his claws while staring at me.......I know he was blaming me for the unwanted interruption of his middle of the night peace and plotting my bloody death should it ever happen again.

So, fearing for my life, or rather for my skin, I decided to get up and make me a cup of hot tea.  Yeah, good, strong, hot tea will clear my throat and perhaps relax me.  If nothing else, it will at the very least, keep the Wacker Cat from filleting me alive.

After fixing my tea, I stepped out onto the back porch to enjoy some fresh Spring air and listen to the Peepers scream, errr sing.  It was the most enjoyable part of my day so far.

Anyway, I came back inside, browsed around the Internet, caught up on a couple of episodes of Dexter and pondered the meaning of life as a single middle aged woman (in other words dozed for a while, wondered why I wasn't in a relationship and then promptly celebrated that fact!).

You see, I'm just your average, middle aged woman, relatively happy with my life and perfectly satisfied with NOT having a relationship....well, other than with the various and sunder 4 legged  "people" that are in my life at the moment.  So all in all, Life is good!

Other than the fact that I'm suffering with a raging headache, stuffy head, running nose, red eyes, clogged throat, sneezing like a maniac and fearing for my life because of a large yellow cat with homicidal tendencies!

So, if  you don't hear from me in a week or two, send a rescue team, a heavily armed rescue team!!


Thursday, January 12, 2012's a new year and I haven't posted yet......

Well, it's twelve days into the new year and this is the first time I've posted.  I don't know if I'm getting forgetful in my old age, or just lazy......a little of both I do believe!

We're suppose to get plastered with the first REAL storm of the year, so far it's just been wind and rain, although it did start snowing a little bit a while ago.  Hopefully it won't last long, because, as you all know.....I HATE SNOW!!!!!!

I've been going to sings lately, which is good.  I need to get out more, but without a car it's difficult.  I'm going to be doing more as the year progresses, but for now, I depend on others to get me where I need/want to go.  Anyway, I've gotten some good pictures and I will be posting them soon.

I'll get back to y'all as soon as I have something interesting/funny to say.  Or when I have some pictures ready....either way, it won't be too long before you see me again.



Wednesday, December 14, 2011

In the spirit of the Christmas Season.....

So, usually I complain, or joke, or bitch or just make you cry, but today I'm asking a HUGE favor!!

I am not able to do much this Christmas for anyone, which I'm sure many of you realize what I mean with things being the way they are in the world today.  One thing I CAN do however, is try to make someone's Christmas brighter!'s what I'm doing!

I visited Wish Upon A Hero and got some names and addresses of people who are wishing for nothing more than a few Christmas cards this season.  Most of them are in less than desirable circumstances, a few of the stories will break your heart.  What I've done is compiled a list of people to send to, and now I'm asking for assistance in making sure these folks get some cards this year!!

Please, choose someone or everyone from the list, send them a card and then, if you would please, let me know who you are sending to so that I can make sure everyone has at least a few cards this year!!  Thank you in advance!!  Merry Christmas and God Bless!!

Angela Peddle
Poplar Rd
Corner Brook NL AZH 4T6 Canada

She is home bound and on a feeding tube. She would love some pictures from where ever you are from and letters.


670 E Olde Lyme Rd
Shelton WA 98584

She is four years old, her father is a disabled veteran and she told him all she wanted for Christmas was some cards in the mail!

The Bethany Care Center

Level 6
Patricia Stang
916 18 A St
Calgary Alberta Canada T2N 2E5

Patricia has stage 4 liver cancer. Her family is requesting cards, pictures, well wishes to help make her remaining days brighter.

John Bablar

2309 Fairway Dr. N
Moorhead MN 56560

John is turning 70 right before Christmas and a former student, Victoria, is requesting birthday cards and Christmas cards, hopefully he will get 70 birthday cards by his birthday!!

Victoria McWilliams

4566 Doming Road
Fargo ND 58103

Victoria and her husband helped grant over 300 wishes for people that were going through rough times, illnesses, her husband has cancer and she is trying her best to care for him. She is asking for some Christmas cards to help cheer him up, she would also like new or used DVD's (I have a list) and a few things for her husband....she has a Wal-Mart wish list, if you're interested....nothing on it is expensive.....she wants, more than anything, to have a "date night" with her husband ....watching a movie they haven't seen before and maybe eating some snacks...while he is still well enough to enjoy it.
The wish list is at:

The Childress Family

1952Gleaton Rd
Pope MS 38658

Son Larry, 14 and daughter Chloe 10. Mother would like to receive some cards for her children. Violent marriage, messy divorce, trying to raise the kids alone and not having any money....she would love it if there were a surprise or two for the kids, although all she's asking for is maybe a gift card from the dollar tree or somewhere that they could get some things to pack in their school lunches.....she would love to receive a gift card from Wal-Mart to help pay for several electric heaters that they need.


204 E 15th Ave
Apt 3
Post Falls Idaho 85854

Donna recently lost her father and is suffering from severe depression...she can't go see her remaining family and is facing a Christmas alone thinking that there is no one left on earth that cares.
  She is disabled and unable to get to her family.

Musser Family

PO Box 629
Piolet Knob MO 63663

They have, I believe 5 children....they lost their home and just now gotten into another one....things are tough and they need some cheer!!!

Todd Beller

126 SW 148th St
Seattle WA 98166

Todd has no remaining family and his girl friend wants to show him that even though there is no family left, there are many people that care. She is requesting Christmas cards.


Her family surrounds her but ignores her, though her grandson and his wife usually go to visit her.  This year they are both working and in school, so they can’t go.  She is not in very good health and is alone most of the time.  ANY type of card would cheer her day!! 

Linda Pumphrey
1713 16th ave
Beaver Falls, PA 15010

Back in April// May, she ended up really sick and in and out of the hospital. Before she went in the last time she was able to walk short distances and such. Now she is total care, she is so depressed and maybe if we sent her a Christmas card to lift up her spirits a bit, it would help her.

4422 Bledsoe Street
Westmoreland, TN 37186

This young woman was in an extremely abusive marriage, abuse to both she and the kids….finally got the courage to leave….is living on assistance and food stamps and hopefully the community assistance will help her with the bills for now.  Here is a brief message from her:

Thank you so very much for your offer! You are truly being a hero to my children! It would be great if you could send something small for them...but if not the card itself is wonderful! Elliana isn't old enough to know the difference so my main concern as far as a small gift is more for Devin and Dominick. My children are:

Devin age 8 this Thursday
Dominick age 4 in January
Elliana age 10 months

Hanna Haleigh Cheyenne and Steven Hawkins
1001 Ambrose Ave
E Liveprool OH 43920

Broke mother…kids love cards.  The boy is 18 months so he won’t remember but the girls are 6, 4, and 5!!

Logan Long
W5902 Pheasant Dr.
New Lisbon, WI 53950

My youngest will celebrate his 11th birthday...two days after Christmas. With it being so close to the holidays it kinda takes most of the excitement away from his 'special day'. I think it would be fantastic if he could get lots of surprises in the mail! Cards, stickers and such!  He checks the mail every day when he comes home from school!!

Christopher Carswell
145 Myers Hill Road
Brunswick, GA, 31523

Christopher is 13 years old. He has been fighting since before he was born...
He has had multiple hand reconstructive surgeries. He has had tonsil and adenoid surgery - it went wrong and he had a feeding tube for a while. At some point in his life he had a stroke.  He also has horrible seizures and is on a heavy medication regiment.  He received his Service Dog in 2010.  Please send this young man some joy for the holidays!!

William Freed
427 N. Pierce St.
Lima OH  45801

He is 71 years old, lives alone and is very ill.  Christmas wishes are needed badly!!

Orra Beebe
219 Ming St
Warrensburg MO 64093

This young man doesn’t believe that there is any Christmas Spirit left out there.  Let’s prove him wrong.

Sharon Phelps
10419 Tyson Road
Orlando Fl 32832

Message from her daughter:
My mom is getting older and I want to show her that there are still people with the Christmas spirit! I am not telling her they are on the way I just want her to open her mailbox and have Christmas Cards from everywhere! I know this will brighten her season!

Geri LaFauci
103 Whittlesey Ave
West Orange, NJ 07052

Message from the lady requesting this: Yesterday she broke my heart. She asked me if I sent out my Christmas cards yet to family and friends, I have not. Then she went on to say that I am the only one she gets one from and she looks forward to my card, she gets excited when it comes. She is a very nice woman who would do anything she could for anyone and very religious. I do what ever I can for her such as taking her out shopping, to the doctor, over to eat, ect... I would love for her to get flooded with Christmas cards from all over. I know this would be the best Christmas gift anyone could ever give her. Heroes, lets make her Christmas one to remember. Thank you and Merry Christmas to All.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

You're gonna laugh till you pee....

A friend of mine posted the following on our FACEBOOK group!!  After rolling around laughing to the point that my dogs were actually worried about me, I left her a message telling her I was going to blog this!!  So here it is, in it's entirety.  Thanks to Laura for posting!!!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious... Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair.

The hair that should be on the strip.

I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*?

Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied my self to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and 'who-ha' are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair......... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE......... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.

Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Later y'all!!


Monday, October 24, 2011


SOOOOOO, as some of you (all of you??) may know, I can be sort of vulgar, and I have a very twisted sense of humor!  There in lays the problem!

I set up a "fictional character" page in the wonderful land of FAKEBOOK (also known as Facebook) in order to NOT offend some of my friends that don't appreciate my sense of humor, sense of the absurd and down right orneriness!  On that page, which has a HUGE warning that says "OVER 18 ONLY!  DO NOT ENTER if you are under 18 or a PRUDE", I post stuff that I don't post on the personal page.  Some of it is down right awful, but not violent or overly sexual....mostly poking fun at the absurdity of people and the way they act/speak. 

Anyway....Last night I was spammed by some asshole that thought it would be cool to post something about a new porn site that is opening.  As soon as I saw that post, I deleted and blocked him.  This morning someone thought that something I had posted was tasteless and sick, which it was, and they reported me.  Okay, that's their right.  BUT, it is my right to post what I want as long as it isn't in violation of the policies that are listed with FB. 


Now the fact that I'm blocked from FB doesn't really bother me that badly.  What bothers me is that the TROLLS out there randomly pick someone (in this case ME) and go troll their page, purposely LOOKING for something that offends them!!  TO ME THAT IS OFFENSIVE!!! 

What has this country, hell the world, come to that people are allowed to determine what is or isn't offensive?  I don't post anything graphic, I don't insult religions or ethnic groups, I don't pick out ANY groups to insult or make fun of!  I find cartoons and/or stupid signs and post them!  I make fun of the HUMAN RACE and the depths of stupidity that we have fallen to!!

People that purposely look around for something that offends them need to realize that they are DOING THE SAME THING THE NAZIS DID IN GERMANY!  NO ONE has the right, not by law, to decide what is or isn't offensive. The courts can decide, the majority can decide, but NOT ONE PERSON!  And for FB to block my account because of ONE complaint....that's friggin' ridiculous!

The person that decided that I offended her was neither ASKED nor INVITED  to come to my page nor was she SPAMMED.  She came under her own volition, probably because she was looking for someone's cheerio's to piss in!  Unfortunately she choose my little corner of the world as the perfect place to pee!

There are MANY things out there that offend me.  YES, I do speak my mind about them from time to time, but I don't go looking for things that may or may not be offensive.  I am not the WORD POLICE!!  If I were there are MANY things that would be BANNED from LIFE, not just from FAKEBOOK!

Somehow I have been left out of the "HOLIER THAN THOU" club, yet another thing that I am thankful to God for, and I don't EVER plan on trying to gain admittance!  I believe that as long as you are NOT promoting hate of ANY type then you have a right to say what you think or repeat something that you find humorous.

My page went from having 4 people to having over a thousand in just under14 hours!  MOST all of the people that have been there have liked what I say/post and they check back a few times a day in order to see what type of trouble I am in now.  THIS ONE SHOULD REALLY CRACK THEM UP!  And, unfortunately, it will also piss most of them off.  That's the one sad fact that can not be overlooked.  This person's actions has affected many more people than her intended target (me) and they will be angry and some may say somethings that even I don't agree with.  But everyone has to live with the consequences of their included.

Okay, done bitchin!

Y'all have a good one!!


Sunday, October 16, 2011

Waking up to a tear stained pillow.....

I woke up this morning to a tear stained pillow.  I lay there, my eyes closes, wishing I were still asleep, because when I’m asleep I feel no pain.

I wish my Mother were still alive, I need to feel her arms around me.  But she passed over to the other side many years ago, and no amount of wishing will ever bring her back.  I need her right now, I need to hear her voice, I need to feel her love, but all I have is a house empty of people in which four legged creatures run and play, obvious to the dark, tortured thoughts that roam around in my head.

My Mother and I fought a lot, hell, we didn’t fight, we waged war against one another.  For many years just being in close proximity of the two of us was enough to cause damage to your ears, and possible to your sensibilities.  I never understood, and still to this day don’t understand, why I was bounced around so much when I was growing up.  I’m a Mother, I have four children of my own, and I couldn’t send even one of those children away to live with someone else when they were just a child with no understanding of life or how things should be in a family.  But through it all I knew that my Mother, although she could be hard and cold and distant, loved me.  And when I became an adult, I visited her as often as I could, making certain that she knew I loved her and needed her in my life.

I have four children, and I love each of them for being my children.  But the are adults now and they make choices, or do things, that I don’t think is right.  I don’t always like the people they have become, I don’t always agree with the choices they make or the things that they do.  But I love them, each of them, with a love that I can’t begin to explain. 

I am proud of my children, regardless of the things that they do that hurt me or that I disagree with.

I am proud of my oldest son for taking care of his family, for working hard even though he is on a different shift every week or two, and for loving his sons and being there for them.  He is a good man, a good husband and most of all a good Father.  I know he is busy, I know money is tight and he can’t afford to travel much, being the Father of three sons takes a lot of your time and most of your money.  I can accept that, and although it hurts me to never get to see him or his wife or my precious grandsons, the pain is not a sharp, bitter pain, it is a pain accompanied with pride for the man he has become.

My oldest daughter has caused me some emotions that I can’t begin to explain.  She is the oldest of them all and I fought to have and to keep her.  Although she drives me crazy on more occasions than I care to admit, she holds a special place in my heart that none other could ever fill.  And while I’m not always proud of the decisions she makes, I do try to understand why and accept that she is doing what she feels is the best.  She is the Mother of four wonderful children and has made some decisions that I would never have made, but she is strong, she is beautiful and she is, at the core of it all, a good Mom.  I am proud that she has left an abusive relationship after many years I just wish she could have done it differently.  She causes me pain from time to time, but she is, in many ways, a woman that I admire and one that I like.  I love her for being who she is, even if I don’t always agree with her.  I would love to see her and the grand-kids, but life has taken that possibility from me for now.

My youngest daughter is, although she wouldn’t admit it, more like me than her siblings.  She has a tender heart and, unfortunately, it shows more than it should.  She’s not afraid to cry, although she gets angry with herself when she does, she works hard and she knows where she is going in life, or at least she has a general sense of the direction in which she is heading.  She’s a junior in college and she’s planning on going on for a higher degree, perhaps even a doctorate.  She’s tenacious, she’s funny, she has a sense of self that is unwavering.  I am so proud of her and all that she is trying to accomplish.  I miss seeing her; I wish that I had a way to go to her, or that her schedule allowed her to come home more often.  But she works hard, she studies harder and she’s a very busy woman, but she calls when she can and she always makes me laugh.   She and I share secrets that no one else is privy to, we will hear or see something that will make us laugh even though everyone else thinks we are crazy.  She is my baby girl and, no matter how old she grows, how important she becomes, she will always be my Mouse and I will always think of her as the baby.

Then there is my youngest son.  What can I say about him?  Well, I’m proud of his talent, he’s a very talented songwriter and singer/musician.  He makes a good living and he has a nice wife.  He is the reason I woke up on a tear stained pillow.  I won’t say anything more about him, because I’m angry and hurt and I don’t want to say something that I can never take back.  I will say that I love him and he will always the little boy that sang “Barned in the USA” to the radio every time we went somewhere.  I love him. 

I realize that I am damaged.  I realize that I have expectations that will never be fulfilled, a need for love that causes me to make mistakes that cause me pain and a too tender heart that gets damaged at even the tiniest slight.  But I have a core of steel, a will to go on and a never-ending enthusiasm that gets me through even the toughest of times.

But there are days, days like today, when the darkness threatens to swallow me whole, leaving behind not a trace of the woman I try to be.  Days like today I feel like the hollowed out shell of a Jack O’ Lantern sitting on a porch in October.  It looks as it should, it will entertain you, it will keep you company with it’s warm glow on a cold Autumn night, but it’s empty and hollow inside.  The smiling face and warm eyes are only an illusion, a fantasy spun from emptiness and the light from a candle that will soon burn out.

I am that Jack O Lantern, I am empty and hollow inside, there is nothing left.  The light that used to be mine has been replaced with an artificial glow that I give to those that expect it.  The smile isn’t real, nor is the light in the eyes.  My season, like that of the Jack O Lantern, will pass too quickly and fade into memory.


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The splendor of Autumn

The beauty of the mountains splotchy with the colors of Autumn, the way the light plays off of the water, the looking glass clear reflections that seem so surreal, touch my very soul.  There is something about the splendor of the mountains that awakens the child in me.  I feel younger, I feel invincible……I feel alive.

There is nothing like Autumn in the South, particularly in the mountains, hills, dales and hollers of West Virginia.  The Oaks, the Poplars, the Sycamores and the Pines each add their own unique signature to the hillsides as they insist on one last blast of glory before fading into the rest of Winter.  The Pines, whose beauty shines year round, display such splendid hues of green they seem to be competing with the amber, gold, auburn, cinnamon, and scarlet of the other less fortunate trees.

Even the water seems to want to play with the hues and textures of Autumn.  The greens and browns of the underwater plants and mosses seem to burst forth from crystalline water in an understated symphony for the eyes.  One only has to pause for a moment and look into a reflecting pool of water to see the almost imperceptible struggle between the underwater world and the rapidly changing world of trees.
The scenery changes so rapidly that it is possible to miss some of the raging glory of colors unless one is diligent in their observations.  Only a few days ago I had the pleasure of taking some wonderful Autumn pictures, yesterday I once again traveled the very same roads only to find that the palette of colors have once again shifted in the continuing dance of death that we call Fall.

Here are a few of my new pictures:



Until next time, Dodadaghovi.