Tuesday, December 14, 2010

It is still cold out there......and I'm still trapped in the house.....this can't be good!

So, it's all of 18 degrees out there.....and it's just now 9 p.m. Bet tonight is going to be cold enough to freeze......well, fill in your own analogy here. Anyway....it's bitterly cold out, and I'm still trapped in the house because it's too cold for a skinny little old woman to go roaming around in the big bad world. Once again my day was filled with the wonder that is living alone, having too many pets and needing to vacuum at least once a day just too keep up with the various and sunder "stuff" that seems to collect on the floor when you have pets.

Oh yeah, and thinking about stuff. And therein lays the problem. Teri home alone, wild eyed and stir crazy, left to her own devices. This is the stuff that physiological thrillers are made of! Or perhaps that should be the stuff slasher films are made of. Although I admit there has not been anymore fantasies of becoming an Uzi toting revenge killer....there have been some strange thoughts going through the cold, dark maze that is my mind.

I'm trying to figure out why I continue this stupid blog for one thing. I know there are a few of you that read this.....mostly my friends, which of course makes me ponder the type of people that I befriend, I mean, I love y'all, but if you can read this stuff and still not be afraid of being left alone with me....well, maybe you should be doing some soul searching as well. (I'm just kidding guys, I love y'all and I think that you're wonderful people without whom I would be a raving lunatic.)

Tonight though I'm going to toss out a few questions for y'all. Hopefully someone out there will do me the courtesy of tossing back a few answers. Who knows, maybe we can get a game of virtual baseball going!

So here it is, Teri's list of questions that are just dying to be answered! (version 1)

1.) Does anyone know what possesses a person to go to the Mall (yes, I used that word....please forgive me. Either that or add it to my ever growing list of sins) on the Friday after Thanksgiving? I mean, are there actually that many masochist out there these days? Although I admit, it does warm my heart a little bit to think that I may be receiving a gift which was wrenched from the trembling hands of some wild eyed little teenager who then, in a fit of rage, pushed a rather large woman into a display of chocolates, sending a cascade of nugget filled goodies skidding across the aisle. I mean, the very thought of something like that happening just makes that gift just a little bit more special, now doesn't it?

2.) Do all homeowners become tasteless, color-blind Nyctophobia suffers when the calender starts nearing Dec. 25? (Don't bother looking it up, it means suffering from an abnormal fear of the dark. Or, if you don't believe me, do look up it. I was just trying to save you some time.) I mean, some of these houses would make a bad Vegas show seem to be in good taste. Please folks, don't mix Santa, the elves, a big inflatable snowman and the Christ child all together in your little 8x8 front yard....it ends up looking like an electrical LSD flashback from the 70's.

3.) Who came up with the brilliant idea of tinsel? Was there once a surplus of tin-foil that fell into a shredder somewhere? Or is it all just an evil plot to wipe out all house cats everywhere? (In case you don't realize what I'm talking about, house cats seems to have an uncontrollable urge to ingest tinsel....it's dangerous, not to mention messy. You think hairballs are gross....wait until you clean up a shiny, tinsel laced ball of.....well I don't know what. It takes gross to a whole new level!)

4.) What the hell is going on with the skinny Santas??? Did I miss a memo or something? Did Santa Claus join the cast of The Biggest Loser and no one told me? If I'm not mistaken, the story goes something like this......"He had a broad little face, and a round little belly, that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly....." Somehow that description doesn't fit with the hollow eyed, peaked, emaciated Santas that are showing up more and more often. (If you want the truth of the matter, I figure that after hundreds of years of delivering toys to screaming brats Santa just needed something to take the edge off.....unfortunately he decided that he needed to do something that would allow him to have the energy to continue with this charade......you know, just a bit of crystal meth from time to time.......now it's too late, Santa has become a shaking, scratching, stick thin shadow of his former self. But that's just my thoughts on the subject.)

5.) Who made the first fruitcake and how long as that sucker been bouncing around the world?? I'm not saying ALL fruitcake is bad....I actually like a good Stollen from time to time. (Once again, don't bother looking it up, it's a German bread that has dried fruit in it....and sometimes a shot or two of 100 proof something.) And the darker varieties of fruit cake, if they are moist, are good once or twice a year. There's nothing like sugar glazed dried fruit to start your day out right!! My question is about that one fruitcake that seems to keep circulating around the world. You know the one I mean, it serves as a door stop the other 11 months of the year, only to be picked up off the floor, brushed off and stuck back into a foil pan and wrapped with disgustingly cute wrapping paper and mailed to you from someone who calls herself your Aunt Milly, although you've never met this person or even laid eyes on a photograph of her. Have you ever tried to cut that fruitcake?? A Ginsu knife would not be up to that job. Actually, most chain saws are not up to that particular task. (If any of you are thinking of sending me the above mentioned fruitcake, please don't. I'd hate to have to write a threatening note, attach it to said fruitcake and toss it through your living room window.)

6.) Who's bright idea was it to have only one showing of "It's a wonderful life" on television this year?? I wait 11 1/2 months to watch that movie! I expect to be able to see it all the way through at least twice. I expect it to be on at least one channel every night for weeks before Christmas. WHO'S EVIL PLOT WAS IT TO PREVENT ME FROM WATCHING THIS MOVIE??? If the guilty party would please just step forward, admit their guilt and do everything in their power to fulfill my wishes, I promise there will be no retribution. Well, not much anyway.

7.) How many times do I have to watch the Hollywood Christmas Parade?? WHO wants to watch it in the first place? I mean, it's not exactly Macy's Parade, not to mention that there is just something wrong with Santa in red boxers with bright blue packages on them. (I'm sure there is some type of sexual innuendo mixed up in there somewhere, but come one SANTA in boxers?? Somethings are best left to the dark realms of the imagination.) Besides, I'm sitting here freezing my substantial ass off in the now 11 degree winter and these idiots are on television in shorts and tank tops with Santa hats. It's just wrong!

8.) Is it just me or are more and more people saying "Merry Christmas" like it's some Gypsy evil eye curse or something? There doesn't seem to be much of that "warm fuzzy" feeling in that particular statement these days. Some woman in the drug store the other day actually made some strange design in the air and muttered under her breath just directly after wishing me "Merry Christmas". It was obvious that what she was wishing for me was definitely a lot less than a warm, glowing holiday season. Maybe it's the Masochist thing again, I'm not sure. But then again, I was just a little frightened and ran away with my tail between my legs. (Believe me, with the tail I have that is NOT an easy feat!)

Okay, that's the first installment of Teri's Questions that are Just Dying to be Answered. Please send me your answers, thoughts, complaints or just your particular take on any subject that crosses your little minds!!

Love y'all!



Sandra said...

Love this,sure makes you stop and think,LOL

Anonymous said...

Bethany says, Teri, the answer to all your questions is quite simple really. The world is going to hell in a hand bag, and people really aren't very bright... Well, most people. YOU are actually a very smart person, and if you could only figure out how to use this God given gift of yours you would be Amazing instead of frustrated with this crazy "blog" space you have been using to take up some of your time. Oh, and by the way, you do make us a little nervous, but that's what you want, for some reason, isn't it? Oh well. We can't help it,... we love you, too!!!