So, what have I been doing to keep myself occupied? Well, housework for one.....you know, that mindless activity that either lulls us into a blank staring Stepford Wife or turns us into an Uzi toting wild eyed homicidal manic. I tend to lean towards the Uzi toter myself, but that is another story entirely.
I have also been trying to figure my tendency toward screwing up everything good in my life. And I'm here to tell you what I have figured out so far. So pull on those hip boots and take one last deep breath of fresh air because the shit is about to get deep!
I have been pondering love, relationships and all things confusing and complicated that are terrifying and heart wrenching as well. In other words I've been trying to decide if I believe in, are you ready?? TRUE LASTING LOVE!! Yes I said it, I said those words that can make a grown man tremble and a young girl faint.
Now, for those of you that have no idea what exactly I mean by TRUE LASTING LOVE, let me elaborate. I mean love between two people that last through thick and thin, good times and bad, rich days and poor night, as well as sickness and health. The type of love that stands strong even when you don't like the person at that moment, the type of love that can withstand those hot, horny nights as well as those days when the closest thing to sex you get is saying screw you as you pass one another in the hallway.
I do know that once upon a time such a love was not an unusual experience. I know that my grandparents went through things that would destroy most relationships these days. I have several friends that have that type of love as well, they have walked through hell together and came out holding hands. So I know it exists. I know that once upon at time a person could find that type of love.
Now a days however, I believe it's an almost extinct experience. I believe that most people don't want to put the work into a relationship that it needs in order to survive all the shit that life can and does throw at us. It's too easy to replace people these days. Once a relationship gets too difficult it's just easier to move on to the next one. I mean, who would want to put out actual hard work, who would want to compromise, who would want to give every ounce of themselves to another person when it's so much easier to move on to someone new. There's even that added bonus of the "new toy" feeling that we all have at the start of a new relationship. When there's a problem, just leave.
Well, it's not right, but it is reality. At least it's reality for way too many people.
At times I think it's reality for me as well. I have discovered that I have fallen into a pattern of not allowing another person to get close enough to me to cause me any pain. Once they get that close, which is rarely, I do something to make them miserable just so I can be proven correct in my assumption that they were going to leave anyway.
You would think that because I realize this about myself that I could do something to change it. YEAH, RIGHT! Just because I realize it doesn't mean a damn thing other than I realize that I have a particular behavior that needs to be changed. Notice I said needs to be changed. Doesn't mean that I'm going to change it, doesn't even mean that I would if I knew how. Just means that I realize something about myself.
NO, it means that I'm a chicken shit that has been hurt one time too many by one of those people that find it easier to move on than to work on a relationship. That's what it means. It means that big, bad, "I can handle anything" Teri is too afraid to open herself up in order to give a relationship a chance.
Why is that, you ask.
Well boys and girls, get comfortable and I'll tell you a little story. Maybe it's one you've heard before, as a matter of a fact I'm sure a few of you have heard a similar story, if not lived one yourselves, but this is my blog and I can damn well say what I want.
Once upon a time there was this woman that fall for a wonderful man. (Notice wonderful is in italics? There's a reason for that.) The man supposedly fell for the woman as well. (Once again, notice the italics.) The man was having some problems with depression and such, and wasn't the easiest person in the world to get along with, but the woman was determined to stick it out because she just knew he was the one. ( Notice bold letters)
Well, things went okay for a while. The man got better, the depression slipping away almost as silently as it arrived. And, believe it or not, that is when it all started to go to shit.
Once he wasn't so depressed that he wouldn't leave the house, once he talked and acted more like his old self, the man started running to the bars with his friends. (yes, those pesky italics are still around) He spent less and less time with the woman and she began to feel less and less important and more and more like a convenience instead of someone that is actually loved.
I'm not going to mention the other women, oops, I guess I did, didn't I?
To make a long story short, the woman stayed years longer than she actually should have, ended up having her self esteem and self worth shredded and, in the end, having her believe in love destroyed. Now she is alone and wondering if she will remain that way.
Yes, you guessed it, she is me and I am her. I used to love, may still love, may once again love, may always love this person, and it didn't, doesn't, never will matter. I've accepted that, and actually I'm okay with it. I mean he is the one and all. Of course I thought that meant he was the one that I would be with the rest of my life, the one that I would share that love with. I didn't realize he was the one that would mess me up so bad that I can't seem to break down that wall that suddenly sprang up around my heart.
So kiddies, that is my sad twisted little story. Anyone have any suggestions for this poor screwed up middle aged woman that is getting more and more afraid that she will be alone for the rest of her life?
Or do you think I should just pull up my big girl panties and move on?