Pathways through pain
I finally found a place and moved, for those of you that don't already know. I'm now in a trailer.....yeah, I know, I hate them and I don't plan on staying too long, just long enough to get my shit together and move on. Now I'm having major water problems.......leaks everywhere and water in the carpet and the whole place smelling musty! Where I live it's always damp and mud is the topic of the day!
For those of you NOT from West Virginia, you probably don't have any real understanding of what West Virginia mud actually is. It's a mixture of clay, tiny gravel, sand and, I'm guessing here, animal feces......at least that's what it always smelled like to me! LOL It's slicker than snot on a marble and it will stain you for life if you are ever unfortunate enough to fall and scrap yourself, which will grind in this wonderful mixture and permanently tattoo you with the mark of a true West Virginian!!
The mud around here seems to take on a life of its' own every Spring and Fall. It will rain for days and the water soaks in the top "soil" turning it into a quagmire of thick, heavy, dense, and slimy "stuff". I would say that mud here is like mud anywhere else, but having lived in other places, I know for a fact that there is something about West Virginia mud that puts it above other mud.....or perhaps it's actually below other mud, depending on how you look at it.
Anyway, the mud here is awful. There is simply no other word for it, well, perhaps horrid, grotesque, glutinous, disgusting, snot like.......maybe there is more than one word to describe it! Hmmmmm.......
But enough of that!
So, I've been thinking. (You should close your mouth, flies are bad this time of year and I'd hate for you to swallow one.) This writing thing is really a pain in the ass, but it's also a way for me to work out all of my anger, fear, frustration and stress, so that makes it a good thing.
I've been having a really rough time lately, there have been so many personal situations, from death to birth and most everything in between, that I've been caldron of emotions. Unfortunately that caldron has been sitting over a roaring fire fueled by my desire to change everything in my life. The results are NOT pretty.
I need to write about LOVE and the JOY of being in a relationship. Sounds easy, right? Yeah, right. I'm sick to death of hearing about other people's PERFECT relationships, especially when I KNOW they are lying through their teeth. NO relationship is trouble free, nor perfect, nor even desirable in my opinion.
Call me jaded, call me bitter, call me whatever your little heart desires, but for me no relationship is WORTH the bullshit you have to deal with in order to make it last.
Now, I realize that many, many couples have long lasting, loving relationships that last their whole lifetimes. At least that's what we, on the outside, SEE. Doesn't mean that it's what is real. I realize that ANY type of relationship, be it a romantic one, one of friendship or even a family relationship, takes compromise, trust, hard work and patience. There in lays the problem.
I am NOT a patient person. Okay, that's an understatement. I am the MOST impatient person you're likely to meet. Not with other people so much, but with myself. I feel that I should be doing better, no matter how well I actually am doing. I feel as though my best is NEVER good enough.
Can we say "self esteem problems"?
I am the walking, talking, poster person for failed relationships. I am a living example of what happens when you repeatedly make bad choices in love. I am a cautionary tale to tell your daughters, DON'T DO WHAT SHE HAS DONE OR YOU WILL END UP JUST LIKE HER!!!
I don't trust men, but I trust myself even less. I have made so many bad choices in my life that I'm beginning to think I have never made a good one!
Okay, enough of me feeling sorry for me.......I can only stand to whine, bitch and moan for so long and then I begin to want to walk away from myself....which is anatomically impossible, but still....
I would like to close this with a funny story.....or at least it's funny now that it's over!
The other night, as I was laying in bed, walking through fields of lavender in my dreams, my youngest cat, Tiver, was hunting! You see, this trailer had sat empty for a while before I moved in......hence the aforementioned water problems......and the mice were used to being able to come in out of the weather so to speak. Well, this one particular mouse was under the kitchen sink, doing whatever it is that mice do when they are under kitchen sinks.
Tiver, being the smart (ha) kitty that she is, pawed at the cabinet door until she got it open, or so I speculate seeing as how at this point I was sound asleep, caught said mouse and decided that she wanted to show me! Which wouldn't have been so bad .....IF I hadn't been asleep and IF the mouse was dead.......but I was asleep and the mouse wasn't dead. To make a long story short, the cat jumped onto the bed with said mouse clinched between her pointy little teeth.
She, thinking whatever evil thoughts cats think at 3 a.m., turned the mouse loose in the bed....the mouse, being very grateful for one last chance to live his/her little mousey life, promptly RAN UP THE BED AND ACROSS MY FOREHEAD!!!
Now, that is NOT the worse of it....the little, clammy mice feet were swiftly followed by equally clammy, but not so little, cat feet!! Cat feet that for some reason needed to dig claws into the smooth surface of my skin!!
I, who was just moments before walking through the dream fields of lavender, awoke with a scream and sat straight up in bed reaching for the light switch. I thought I was being attacked by some lavender field hiding monster that had followed me home!! Bitty, my Jack Russell Terror, was startled awake by my scream and, thinking that her beloved Mistress was being hurt, began barking and peeing all at the same time!!!
Needless to say, the night dragged on as I chased the cat, who was chasing the mouse, who had jumped into the box springs of my bed (yeah, I have old box springs) and then set to changing my sheets, blankets and, oddly enough, my pillow cases because they had Bitty pee and mouse droppings on them!!!
Looking back now it's funny.....but then, not so much!!
And just to round out the night, Tiver, the cat of questionable ethics, went into the bathroom and turned a new roll of Charmin into a massive amount of tissue confetti!! I still don't know how she can do that and not make a sound. The cat has questionable ethics, which is NOT a good thing, but she's got awesome stealth abilities as well.
Well y'all, that's it for me at the moment. I'm going to drag my little tired body into the other room......where I am sleeping on the love seat tonight because I'm too tired to finish putting away all of the clothes/shoes/various and sunder items that I had to take out of the closet today so they could work on the water. I wouldn't be so disgusted about it, but they didn't have to get into the closet to do what they did, so I, on the advice of a MAN, took the stuff out for no reason.
But.....anyway....... until next time....