A while back I wrote a post on heartbreak. I have had some questions about the meaning of that post from people that know me personally and who were confused as to what I meant. So, now I'm going to explain.
As I re-read that post, I realize that it sounds as though I am speaking of a lover, and perhaps in a way I was. But the original intent was aimed more at verbalizing what I was feeling about a betrayal that goes deeper than that. I was trying to draw a parallel between romantic, lover, wife/husband, partner love and other types of love, and how the pain of loving someone, be it as a friend or a lover, can be devastating.
I was in a relationship. It was a strange and twisted relationship which I still don't understand. I love this person, not as one loves a "boyfriend" or whatever, but as one loves someone that has been in their life for years and years. This is a person in whom I had trust, I had faith that he would do the right thing, that he would try to be the best person he could be. I stood up for him against people who spoke badly about him, I believed him when he explained the "situation" in which he had put himself. He helped me out when he could and I did the same for him.
But, this man led me to believe something that isn't and has not EVER been true. He betrayed not only my trust, but my faith that he was trying to be a better person, my belief that he was not what others said he was. The complex "love" I felt for him meant nothing more than allowing myself to be blinded to reality.
This isn't the first time I have loved someone, both female and male, who has used my feelings about them against me. It seems as though I never learn, and that is why I said that I wish I could go to sleep and wake up not feeling love.
If I led anyone to believe that I was involved with this man in a "romantic" relationship, I apologize. It was merely a convenient relationship. More convenient for him than it was for me, for I am the one that has to live with the fact that I allowed someone to blind me to the truth, and to use my faith in them against me.
When I was speaking of the "romantic" heart, I was trying to get work out how I was feeling, I was trying to "put a square peg in a round hole" so to speak. To me romance is something that is honest, it is true and it is a unique gesture between two people who have MUTUAL feeling for one another. Romance can't be based on lies, it can't be based on deceit. Lies are not only words, a person can lie in actions as well, as was the situation that prompted me to write. When I said that the "romantic" heart can become a rock that lies in the throat and threatens to cut off life giving oxygen, I was angry, I had been misled. I now realize that when one loves another, either as a friend, a relative, or a lover, that it is merely the act of loving which can leave one open for that "rock in the throat", it has nothing to do with romance.
I hope I have cleared up the questions some of you had. I hope that I haven't misled you as I myself have been misled.
I want to assure all of you that this person is no longer in my life. I will have to have contact with him in order to straightened out some things, and to gain possession of some items that belong to me that are stored on his property, but once that is done, there will never again be contact. I can't allow it, I will not allow it.
I want to assure all of you that I am damaged from this, yes, but I am a strong woman and I have spent time figuring out why I so blindly believed and was so easily led. And I am working on changing that aspect of myself.
I won't allow this experience to change who I am. I won't allow it to harden my heart to relationships, be they of the "romantic" kind or be they deep, lasting friendships. To do so would be allowing this person to continue to inflect pain and inspire doubt. I refuse to do that. I have learned a lesson here, and that lesson is that everyone makes mistakes, everyone does things that they should be ashamed of. The ones that continue to make the same mistakes over and over, to continue to do shameful things and never have shame for doing so, the ones who purposely hurts another, those people are the ones who are suffering, they are suffering in ways that I can never understand. But I won't allow them to make me suffer.
I still have that same true, loving, faithful soul, and I still have that soppy romantic heart. I still tend to find idealism and a desire for adventure (of many sorts) in every waking moment. I am still fanciful, and in some ways impractical. I still believe in LOVE, all types of love. I suppose I am a ROMANTIC in almost every sense of the word.
I apologize once again if I caused any of you stress with the previous post. That was never my intent. And I want to assure you that I am still here, I am doing okay. I am even beginning to not doubt my own judgement, and to believe that everything will work out the way it should.
I want to thank those of you that showed concern. Thank you for the Emails and the phone calls. I'm not depressed, I'm a little down and I am disappointed in myself. But I AM OKAY!