Some of you may have noticed that I've been gone for a little while....well, over a week actually. Then again, most of you probably haven't noticed. But anyway.....
It's not that I've actually been "gone". I've been home. I've been in my house pondering things great and small, theories and ideas about life, where I am in my Spiritual growth (don't ask. I've been told it's "simple", but it's not.....perhaps I am what is simple), and if I even believe in some of the things that I once thought were important.
Now, you would think that with all of that mental workout I could have found a few moments to drop a line here and let the world know I was alive. Well, here's your line ___________. Sorry, had to do that, I'm feeling peevish tonight and I don't really want to "communicate" with anyone. I haven't even read any of my emails in hours and hours.
So, what exactly is Cabin Fever? Well, I looked it up and Wikipedia says: "Cabin fever is an idiomatic term for a claustrophobic reaction that takes place when a person or group is isolated and/or shut in, in a small space, with nothing to do, for an extended period (as in a simple country vacation cottage during a long rain or snow)."
So I guess I don't have Cabin Fever. I am shut up in a small place for an extended amount of time, but it's not like I don't have anything to do. I've been doing dishes, cleaning walls and carpets, playing with various and sunder fur-demons, reading (a lot), listening to the audio Bible (a real lot) and talking to some people on the phone. But I'm still losing my mind!!!
You see, it's all of 18 degrees outside and the snow has been coming down, or should I say across, like there is no end in sight. The wind not only cuts through you, it tries to dice instead of just slice you. It's so cold the dogs don't even want to play in the snow. The cat stepped outside and came right back in shaking his head in disgust! A trip to the mailbox seems like a foot tour of the Arctic Circle! (okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating on that one...but it's damn cold!)
I haven't wanted to sew or craft or write. I'm sick of television. I don't want to listen to music (alright y'all, get up off of the floor, dust yourselves off and continue reading) and I'm not really good company even on the phone. I'm not good company for myself! I just don't want to do anything.
So is it depression? Well, that's possible, although confusion seems to be more the culprit than depression. I'm confused about everything. Life. Love. Sex. Religion. Faith. Money. Hell, I'm even confused about food. I don't want to stay here in the house. I don't want to go out in the cold. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to listen to music. I don't want to not have music during the day.
Part of it is that people are expecting me to do what they think I should do. I don't like that. I don't like to be pushed or pressured. I get resentful when that happens, and then I become a bitch. I don't like being a bitch. But I don't like pressure more than I don't like being a bitch. Which would you choose? I am having a crisis of sorts and there are some that seem to think it's just something that will be okay if I only.......(insert your own thoughts here). Well, it's my crisis and I think I should be the one to figure it out and resolve it.
Now, for those of you that are reading this and think that I'm talking about you. Well, you may be right. But don't get upset. It's not just one person that is pressuring me, there are several. It's not just one issue that they are pressuring me about, there are several. Don't go all ego-maniac on me. If you call me and I don't call you back, perhaps I'm trying to curb my anger and not end up saying something that will make the situation between us worse. If you email me and I don't answer you right away, perhaps I'm pondering what you've said and trying to make my own decision. If you come over and I don't invite you in, perhaps it's because I am not sure what I should or should not say to you, perhaps I don't want to make you angry or hurt you. Perhaps I just don't want to have your company at that moment.
It seems to me that I should be allowed to have times like this. (Personally I believe that everyone should be allowed to have times like this. Everyone should be allowed to reevaluate their lives and what they want.) I should be allowed to wander around with my own thoughts and feeling and try to find peace with them. After all, I am a woman of age, I live on my own and I have for years, I can read and write and not only that I can THINK for myself! I'm capable of being alone. I'm capable of having relationships with people, all sorts of relationships. I am competent.
Anyway. I've bitched and moaned long enough. I think I'll try and get some sleep. Maybe the snow will have magically disappeared when I wake up (yeah right) and maybe I'll have to dig out my shorts and halter tops in order to go get the stupid toilet paper that I forgot the last time I was out. (I am so indebted to whoever invented facial tissues that don't have dye or perfume in them. Those tissues can save you in a time of need.) Or maybe I'll wake up and it will be all of 10 degrees and the snow will be blowing and swirling around and I'll bundle up and go to the Family Dollar store in order to get said stupid toilet paper.
You can bet that if I bundle up and go I'll be day-dreaming of bright warm days, blooming flowers and sunshine.